LOVING YOU: The Novel
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Page 4 5. Page 5 6. Page 6 7. Page 7 8. Page 8 9. Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16 Page 17 Page 18 Page 19 Page 20 Page 21 Page 22 If a person sees us as trying to argue, then they think that we are trying to win. Participant F: But the hard part is she thinks I am arguing even if I try to empathize with her. Marshall: Yes, life is so full of unpleasant stuff as it is, so why deal with anything unpleasant?
Participant F: Yes, right. But when he first got clear from everybody in the group what a gift it would be to feel pain from their father if their father could just express it—to think of his feelings and needs as a gift—it was a mind-boggler for him. Since that time there have been a lot of radical changes in him. Certainly many people think that to talk about painful feelings is a negative unpleasant experience because they associate it with guilt games, punishment, and all kinds of other stuff.
When I wrote the first edition of my book, I put in a list of positive feelings and a list of negative feelings. Then I noticed how people think negative feelings are negative. So we have some work to do to convince your friend about this. There is enough unpleasantness.
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Girlfriend: There you go again! Always talking about feelings!
Participant: [Silence] Uhhh, uhhh. Then she goes into the other room and slams the door. Okay, so you play her and come on with those words. Girlfriend: Stop! Girlfriend: Yeah. NVC-er: I like that part of our relationship too, and I find that comes when we can deal with everything. You see, I want to laugh all my laughter and cry all my tears, and if I cut off half of it, then I find that the other half goes too. Can you tell me what you heard?
Girlfriend: You are starting in again about feelings and getting depressed. NVC-er: Are you afraid that we are going to fight?
Girlfriend: Please stop! NVC-er: How would you feel about our continuing this when he is not here? Girlfriend: Yeah, you can come and meet me for lunch if you want to. I just want to enjoy the good stuff. NVC-er: You really want to enjoy life and not get stuck down in some hole talking about negative stuff. Do you know what happened to Emily today? I think I told you about the time her sister was visiting and.